Friends? what?

Ever wonder what it feels like to find out that most of your friends around you are just pretending?

To find out that yes, it's true, you're hated by more people than you know?

To know that the reason Bob and Jane refused your invitation was not because that they had a sick grandma?

I'm not sure if everybody gone through this, but today I went through it.

And... I'm pretty sad I guess, for a moment anyway. It prompted me to think. THink about how I have been aproachig life as an individual. Think about what should be said and when, or if I should even say them at all. Think, about the friends you have now and the friends that you thought you used to have, or maybe you never really had them at all.

What I can't understand is this.

If you dislike someone, why go through all the trouble to mask yourself and pretend that you're still 'ok' with that individual? To not hurt their feelings? Or for some sort of material gain? Or something else that I haven't really thought about? IF it is because of hurtng their feelings, what would that person feel if he found out through some other individual?

My personal viewpoint is if you don't like someone, you don't necsasary have to scream in their face, but don't go and wear a mask that has the words 'I'm your friend' written all over it just for some selfish reason, I just let said individual know my feelings, maybe not straightforward, but in an indirect way, I feel that it is the best way to show dislike towards other people without hurting their feelings. This is speaking, of course, from a purely friendship point of view.

So the business world gets exemption from this rule then? I don't know. I just think sometimes it's just too hard to see through people. I really don't like to dislike a certain person, but sometimes-and by that it usually means most of the tims-, it's not about me and me alone. I believe that throughout the year I've learned to be less of an asshole, I've been told that I speak to directly to the point, that mty tongue is too sharp sometimes, I've wondered for a long time, wether it was my fault that I spoke with words that pierce to deeply, or is it their fault that they can't learn to accept criticism.

I think that everyone needs to learn to accept criticism, and that the world....no... Malaysia needs to have a voice besides the government's voice. Is it the nature of our country's policies that have its people behave this way? Maybe I'm speaking for too many people, but what I really mean is those around me in my hometown, I really do think sincerely from my heart, that they need to learn to accept criticism, and then the other side of the story would be that I'm just trying to defend myself for speaking too harshly. I don't know. I realize I contradict myself too much. I'd shoot down my own thoughts a minute I've formed them in my head, or worse, said them out loud. But I digress.

So what? Whats the conclusion to this long, meaningless-to-everybody-else-but-myself kind of post? What is in the nutshell? I don't know. Maybe I've improved(as a person), maybe I'm a bigger asshole than before, maybe, maybe, and just maybe it doesn't realy matter at all.

After all.

Happiness is about how much you can turn a blind eye to.

Home.

It's funny.
Its 2 04 in the morning and I'm not feeling sleepy.
I want to.
But i don't.
And it sucks cos if it goes on then I"ll probably sleep at 3 and wake up 12 the next day.
Which sucks.
The feeling you get from sleeping late is like when you realized the whore you just fucked was Nicole Anna Smith.

In other words, it sucks.

It sucks cos you just have less daylight, and daylight is always good, no matter what you clubbing fuckers think. :)

Daylight is good. losing too much of it is not. I'll try my best not wake up late tomorrow I guess.
ha ha.

It's the third day I've been back home. The rain shows no sign of stopping and im vexed. I guess I'll see what these three months hold for me.

As usual, when holidays start I have plans to paint. And this time I have something extra, which is a clear vision of what to paint. It remains to see how much of that will bear fruit.

Caught up with some old riends, and some new ones as well. And it's good to know I still have some friends here. though alot of them are assholes. Sometimes.
But then again we're all asholes sometimes. so.

Currently I'm listening to the minibosses and their version of megaman 2 music, its been a while since I last heard them but damn their good.

Here's a link.

What's changed in me these few months, I wonder? I don't know. I never do. But I always feel different, but alot fo things remain the same I guess. I still think u2's sweetest hing is the best song since happy birthday, I still love videogames(I don't think I'll EVER grow out of them, so my future girlfriend, if you're reading, beware :) ), I still can't play the guitar very well, I still write blog entries like an idiot lost in the woods, I still don't like planning ahead before doing something, I'm still fat, and I'm still single, which is..... regrettable I guess. I think I still have the tendency to make the worst cjoices at the worst possible time, but thank god for friends who remind me of my stupidity, and, I'm still me. I guess not really alot has changed, but I like to believe, and I ALWAYS like to believe that I've matured abit more, though I realize that he who thinks he is matured is always childish.

What's next?

I guess I WILL start painting in a few days, after a few studies I guess, and now, IM off... to play dragon quest 8, which I might say, is a damn good game.

About videogames.

I play alot. I do mean ALOT of games. and recently I finished Killer7, which is the single coolest game i have EVER played. And that's saying alot. I do realize that it's not for everybody, and not everyone will love, or even like it, but for those who do, yeah, 'kita geng'. I was just heavily impressed with the game, and one character form that game srood out, and that was this chap named Andrei Ulmeyda. He's become my symbol of cool, and is what I associate with Killer7, and I really want to paint a picture of him. complete with some of his lines form the game.

It's just classic.

ANyway I've written an awful lot, and too bad my good friend decided to stop blogging. Not that it has anything to do with me writing alot. heh.If you're reading this, call me when you're in town. I'll be here for 3 months.

Singapore Afterthoughts

There was a design conference going on in Singapore that lasted for three days, took place at Suntec city, and had annoying emcees a few days ago. Although they called it a conference, it actually became more of an exhibition, with artists(not designers, at least not my definition of designers) showing off their works and not really explaining anything. We were kinda like kids looking through the glass of a cotton candy machine.

They called design edge 2005 and it was organized by IDN.

It was pretty good, just that the stupid fatass hip hop emcee ruined the whole thing.

some designers/artists i find interesesting/cool.

Mode2.
London Based Grafitti artist. Used to do alot of pencil and ink work befoire he got into graffiti. he told us his house got robbed a while back and all his art work was stolen, and that was why he didn't show alot of his old stuff, which is sad. I think I liked his old stuff better though.

Delta.
Netherlands based artist. Mostly works in abstracted geometric shapes. Very distinctive style, and abstracts words and letters so much that nobody will know what's ging on in his art work, but as with all good art work, that does not make it less interesting to look at.

Rostarr.
ABC with mad skillz. His style is very spontaneous and he uses alot of improvisation in his work, which looks amazing, and he waws kind enough to sign my sketchbook twicw, although I dont think he remembers la. :)

Designer's Republic.
I think this would be the only legit designers at the conference, the rest of them were mostly artists as far as I can tell. These guys are pretty fuckin amazing. They've done gigs for a shitload of clients, including videogame companies like capcom. I eyed I Killer7 Postcard or something and went gaga over it. They also did alot of cd covers for independant bands. Interesting bunch of guys.

UVA
These guys are also pretty cool. they do motion graphics stuff. IT and design stuffz that I dont really know how to explain. It involves generating images in real time using custom programs. Well, not images but rather collages of useless information that when juxtaposed side by side will look and sound really deep, and therefore, be cool.As I remember one fo their biggest lients was Massive Ak, they did the background screen for the band's live tour, which is wicked cool.

Yeah.

So even if the conference was a letdown, it was still solid and was definitely an eyeopening experience. I'd say I learned quite a few things there. However... if the emcee's are like that again next year, then Im saving my money for a different conference.

ah......fuck.

Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.
Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.Ah fuck.

Oh fuck.

Im done.

*

It's sunday. A day of rest. A day after the sun. A day where, like any other day, shit can happen.
And today God smiled down on me as he threw me a steaming pile of shit in my face. It's just like any other day, just a little more shitty.

*

Tomorrow is monday. I got work due monday. I should probably get them done by tonight. I looked at the oile of uncut infraborads behind the door of my room and I sigh. It's Sunday Night.
My mid-break is over. And it's a time of much sighing and cursing. A period of extreme emo-ness.

*

A few days back I was in thailand. I remembered taking alot of pictures and thinking about alot of things to write about here. But my memory doth betrays me. I guess I eventually will write about my 6 day trip in Thailand, just that I neither have the mood nor motivation to do it now.
I do remember getting 100 or so pages more into Moby Dick. Sure, I understand less than 50% even after reading each paragraph twice, but I still like it. It's been sitting on my table, collecting dust after I came to KL. My computer and PS2 are both distracting me way too much to read seriously. Bitches. :)

*

Congrats to Mr Ming for succesfully completing the 30day artist project. It was very inspiring to see you go through it. You certainly gave me alot to think about, and here I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I hope I get to see the paintings in person someday. Oh and By the way...I'm just some guy from a school you used to study at. All the Best and take care.