night of the fourth

It's my last night here in Malaysia before I take off to UK to further my studies.

I feel.. relaxed somehow.... the trepidation, the anxiety, and the fear have all gone, it's like I'm in a state of constant peace, save for the bouncing msn messenger icon down at the dock, distracting me, and preventing me from concentrating fully on this post.

The critters have come out, ran around, and now master has reeled them back in, to be cooped up in pens and within fences, the borders of my conscious mind. Or perhaps they've just lost that spunk of theirs, I'll have to ask them what they do for stimulation later.

I'm standing now on the edge of the precipice of change, ready to take the plunge, or the flight, into where no jingwei has gone before. I believe I'm prepared, for the unknown, for the future, and for change.

I remember a few weeks back, when I was still in 95%, I came back for the weekend. Part of it was because I promised my girlfriend that I would be back, since she had a 4 day break.

I remember lying on the bed together, she was on my chest, as tears squeezed out of my eyes, and I turned over and hugged her. It lasted forever in my mind, me, thinking about how much I would miss her. She hugged me back in return, and I spent a good 10 - 15 minutes sobbing in her arms.

I don't feel that way anymore, though I know that I will miss her still, but now it seems I've numbed myself out, I think. I can tell myself I miss her without crying anymore.

On the edge of the end, I ponder no more.

This is it.

Now or never.

But as I end this post, editing some of the things that I wrote and cutting out others, never to be seen by anyone, emotions seem to want out of their confines. Slowly fear grips me, the anxiety comes back, and I wonder how the hell am I suppose to sleep now? It's already 2 in the morning. To my left, a gift she bought me, a journal, on the cover is the line " a piece of remember". Soft and tender it would sound if spoken out aloud. The flawed grammar contributes to it's charm. I click on the publish button, hoping that the people who read this will think that I'm at least being honest with my feelings. And I go to sleep, with the help of a harry potter book and dimmed lights.

Last post until I settle down in a new place of residence. New comic coming soon.