I'm ok.

This is rather silly really.

I'm here, in my room. the block on my macbook says it's 8:26 am. But really it's 12.26am. I've become accustomed to reading local (birmingham) time using Malaysian time... that's cos I have the need to constantly know what time it is in Malaysia. That I know what time it is when my girlfriend is calling me.

I'm listening to some sappy acoustic love pop song streamed from wilson santoro I mean Santoso's blog. It's strangely fitting in accordance to how I'm feeling right now. A little sad, disappointed in myself, and a little depressed.

As I said, it's been a bumpy ride so far, and the beating, I took from my brutally honest half chinese lecturer certainly isn't doing much to help. I almost cried in the afternoon, and technically I did. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, I desperately try to wipe them off as I made my merry way to the bus stop. I continued to be drenched in my own pitiful sorrow for the remainder of the journey home.

The glass door in front my flat showed me my own teary, watery eyes. I made my way into my room, and though I technically didn't cry, because I swallowed all the tears with even more sappy John Mayer songs.

I've been disappointed in myself because someone else was. Apparently it was quite a big disappointment for the guy, I could tell. He must've expected too much from me, or what he expected I failed to do. Or something. I don't know. Not anymore. Something like this happened on the 2nd week of class as well. I told myself the only way to stop this was to do work and not disappoint anyone next week. And yet I fail.

I'm emo. In case you haven't noticed.

I've got some ways to combat emoism. plans will be carried out this week. I've taken worse beatings than this. I doubt what I got today was worse than what Michelle gave me on the Trans-ormers presentation day. Or Janet's classic " Now that is bullshit presentation!"

My faults seem to be that I can't come up with arguments while being slammed at. Now that is a skill I would kill to have. Thoughts and ideas come later, and I strengthen myself with them.

I think I'm ok now.

least I'm not swallowing tears no more. :

Find my voice back. And slam back.... disagree or something. grow a backbone.

no comics for the time being. it's much too much of a hassle for me to post them, plus I got no time to do them anyway...

but I think I'll be posting ideas here....

anyone reading feel free to please give constructive feedback. :]
thank you.

expensive.

so it's been 1 month i've been here.

What can i say about it?

besides that its cold?

I'm having a pretty hard time adjusting to the schooling system here. Something I think is quite common for anyone who is going abroad alone. But friends are made, and they are made fast. So although it's been quite a bumpy ride, I think I will do ok :).

I mean, already I've offended more people than I should have.... so that's a start isn' it?
school's kept me up recently..... I'm experiecing a lack of resources in terms of journal producing facilities and tools. And it's frustrating.

I'm also regretting not bringing any a3 sketchbooks over here.... I'll be damned before I pay rm50 for 1. I'm sticking to a4 tq :P

As expected, everything here costs more... but that's not to sya that things here are more expensive.

NO NO NO NO NO.

They just don't sell the cheap stuff here.

looking for a 20p glue? out of luck... the one that they have is the uber £1.37 one.

looking for cheap blade or cutter? no way man.... here we do the £3.35 one... the super high tech won't break blade that resembles a scapel.

so things here aren't necessary 'expensive' persay....

there just no cheap things.

damnit.... but still....

£9 for a fucking A3 sketchbook.

go to hell la.....

I'm seriously thinking about going into the importing exporting art materials business.

I can't.

This sucks.

I can't check my mail.

Can't blog.

Can't log in to msn.

Can't do shit.

Why do I pay so much for the internet??

sigh.

I can't even check or post comments on a blog.

sigh.

night of the fourth

It's my last night here in Malaysia before I take off to UK to further my studies.

I feel.. relaxed somehow.... the trepidation, the anxiety, and the fear have all gone, it's like I'm in a state of constant peace, save for the bouncing msn messenger icon down at the dock, distracting me, and preventing me from concentrating fully on this post.

The critters have come out, ran around, and now master has reeled them back in, to be cooped up in pens and within fences, the borders of my conscious mind. Or perhaps they've just lost that spunk of theirs, I'll have to ask them what they do for stimulation later.

I'm standing now on the edge of the precipice of change, ready to take the plunge, or the flight, into where no jingwei has gone before. I believe I'm prepared, for the unknown, for the future, and for change.

I remember a few weeks back, when I was still in 95%, I came back for the weekend. Part of it was because I promised my girlfriend that I would be back, since she had a 4 day break.

I remember lying on the bed together, she was on my chest, as tears squeezed out of my eyes, and I turned over and hugged her. It lasted forever in my mind, me, thinking about how much I would miss her. She hugged me back in return, and I spent a good 10 - 15 minutes sobbing in her arms.

I don't feel that way anymore, though I know that I will miss her still, but now it seems I've numbed myself out, I think. I can tell myself I miss her without crying anymore.

On the edge of the end, I ponder no more.

This is it.

Now or never.

But as I end this post, editing some of the things that I wrote and cutting out others, never to be seen by anyone, emotions seem to want out of their confines. Slowly fear grips me, the anxiety comes back, and I wonder how the hell am I suppose to sleep now? It's already 2 in the morning. To my left, a gift she bought me, a journal, on the cover is the line " a piece of remember". Soft and tender it would sound if spoken out aloud. The flawed grammar contributes to it's charm. I click on the publish button, hoping that the people who read this will think that I'm at least being honest with my feelings. And I go to sleep, with the help of a harry potter book and dimmed lights.

Last post until I settle down in a new place of residence. New comic coming soon.