DISEASE.

I believe we're all afflicted with a disease save a select few, this disease is special, in that it is memetic in nature. It's a virus that spreads one one to another through conversations, discussions and most prominently, the media. I call it the the powerlessness complex, it's a disease that manifest itself as we get older, prime symptoms are the observation and realization that we, as individuals are incapable of changing anything in this god-forsaken planet. That nothing can be changed, and the only thing we can do is remain stoic and numb about it, sitting in our homes and mope about it, go about our own business and not give a flying fuck. Let the others do the work.

Why am I writing this? Because this I've just gone through a battle of ideas and thoughts with my friends, who have done nothing but increase the strength of this disease within me. Granted, I've had this disease for the better part of my 21 year life, but talking with them did nothing but bolster my powerlessness.

I'm trying, trying so hard, to combat this disease. I'm afraid I might not make it, I feel like I'm losing, I hope it's not too late for me to notice now.

Everything I'm doing now, studying overseas, grubbing up money like a starving monkey feasting on bananas, listening to Bob Dylan, talking with Janet, Peter, and like minded people, have been, at least for me, in my own little way, my own efforts in eradicating this disease from me.

My friend, at least, is concerned that my efforts are futile, that I lack to will to change anything, he pointed his finger and said "you're not even half way there, and I've seen shitload of stuff in my life, and I know how successful people are like."

How should I take this?

Well at it's heart it's honest feedback, and I'm really grateful for that. But his intentions are vague as best. I can't decide wether it's an effort to make me conscious of how little efforts I've put into my endeavors, or a pessimistic, spiteful attempt at proving his own point that I am never, ever achieve anything related to my ultimate goal, which is affect the world and make it a better place in some sense.

"This discussions is over in 5, 10 years, he said, and you bet you ass I will be there to shoot this back at you when the time comes." was what he said.

It makes me sad, depresses me that this occurs on a daily basis. To me, to every other people around the world, it depresses me how easy this disease spreads from one pessimistic person to another. How sad. I fear that my own integrity is being damaged by this.

I feel strongly for many things. Unfair elections, violations of basic human rights occurring in places all around the world. But it depresses me most of all, that people like my friend exists at all.

Bob Dylan and Bob Marley both believed that music could change the world. Their songs touched millions and did much to help spread love and unity.

I'm trying, trying so hard. So hard, to eradicate this disease from me.

No I'm not succeeding.

"what are you gonna do? write on your blog?" he said. Implying that it won't do anything.

I have nothing to say to people that won't listen.

But maybe getting to listen is the key.

Do I think I can change the world?

......

Yes.

How?

I don't know.

I don't know.

.......

I don't believe in god, the world has given me enough reason to believe that he's a figment of our overactive imagination. I regard the bible as leisure reading. But this is one time where I really, really wish he exists.

I'm not doing enough, I know.

Thanks Kelvin for the wake up call. I vow to prove you wrong, even if it kills me.

I say that from the bottom, the very rock bottom of my estranged, sad pathetic heart.