Today, I do nothing.

.....

But tomorrow something will turn up.

.....

I know someone who's incredibly skeptical. I don't exactly know why.

She was a person of faith.

It struck me as weird.

Because for a person of faith, she had very little of it in people.

I choose to have faith in people.

Even when they're rubbish and shit.

Because what else are you going to have faith in?

Annie Hall

I watched Annie Hall for the first time.

It's a good film.

It reminded me of many things.

Not least of which is you.

early morning.

gargling listerine... thinking about what to say for the presentation....

i"m nervous, as always.

blood and guts.

It's been a while.

It's not that I haven't been writing, but work catches up.

I still think about her, but not as much, and as expected, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I'm still halfway between relief and sadness.

I still dream about her, and it does still sting when I think about her.

I never knew something so short could hurt so bad.

A friend asked my what I learned from all this.

Honestly? I still don't quite know.

Don't go out with older women? Don't fall so hard so fast? Don't be an idiot? Or maybe don't open your heart?

I'm not sure what I can learn from this.

Not yet.

She texted me today, basically saying she was fine if we went for coffee.

Far cry from what she sad a few weeks ago.

It's all very weird.

So I find myself thinking about her again, and I find myself here, 4 in the morning, really should be sleeping because I got work tomorrow.

I don't know what the future holds, but I've spilled my blood guts these few weeks.

Figuratively speaking.

It can't be as bad as that 2nd week of July. It just can't.

So with that I look forward with eyes a tad more hopeful.

:)

music for the mood.

Suddenly, I thought of that time when you called me.
You just finished watching October Sky.
You were crying.

....Thinking of it now, I feel funny and sad at the same time.

Is there a word for that feeling?

...

I think I'll be fine.

Thanks everyone.

Thanks lyn. *hugs*

Me
i...
just fell for her quite deeply
12:41amMe
a bit too much. when i wasn't thinking about age everything elt so right
i know la im rather dumb
12:43amRae
mmm
can understand
12:44amMe
just being stupid la
fell for the wrong girl
12:44amRae
you're being in love lah
12:44amMe
very mch so
12:44amRae
get her back lor
12:45amMe
i kept thinking that until last friday
12:47amMe
she kept telling me she wouldnt even give me a chance.
well
she wont la
but for a while it felt like she was going to
12:47amRae
then dont persue
12:47amMe
then she bascially disenganged entirely
im probably not going to
or
im not going to
but in the back of my head
i still wish we could be together la
12:49amRae
hugs
12:50amMe
..... seriously (hugs) thanks for putting up with my shit
12:54amRae
its all good
and you're a dumby dumb
pick yourself up and dump yourself in bed
because you have a career to build from tomorrow on
12:58amMe
haha yeah...
im feeling alot better compared to last friday
thanks to beer, germany and other stuff
and you of course
(hug)
12:58amRae
awww
hus
-hugs-
12:58amMe
hus
12:59amRae
u know what else will make you feel better?
a shower and some sleep
12:59amMe
ahaha
i know
1:00amRae
u can axe the sleep.
1:00amMe
i think i'll be fine
1:00amRae
but trust me. the shower will be awesum
1:00amMe
dont tell me you can smell me from here
there*
HAHA
1:02amRae
i can sense the non-cleanness
and the suckling in bed all day-ness
*sulking
1:03amMe
hahha
i actually made it a point to be out of the house
cos too many things here reminded me of her
went for ping pong, then dinner etc
this was where we first kissed, then i had to send her home the next morning cos we forgot the time.
haha
1:04amRae
....
1:04amMe
lol
im finr
fine
sorry
i should go bath
1:05amRae
ha!
1:05amMe
thanks again, big sister.
1:05amRae
no problemo
be the best at what you do and all will fall in place
1:06amMe

i think i will miss her forever, i just wont be hurting that long

1:08amRae

1:13amMe
bathed!
1:13amRae
feel gooder?
1:13amMe
bester
she did call me alot more mature than guys my age.
1:14amRae
i have to run
1:14amMe
ok thanks
again
hugs
1:15amRae
driving someone home
1:15amMe
take care@!
1:15amRae
u be good sunshine
sleep well
nite!!!
1:15amMe
you too bug sis
big*
1:16amRae is offline.

Let me tell you about a story that ended before it began.

This all started 2 months ago, but that would be incorrect, because I don't exactly know when when it started, but started it did.

I broke up with my then girlfriend. I knew I wasn't going to marry her, I felt like I was stringing her along. Only staying with her because I was afraid of loneliness.

So for a while, I felt free. A great burden was lifted. I did what I wanted for a month. Enjoying life as it would let me. I remember going to watch Shutter island at a late night screening. It was alright I suppose. Coming out, and going into the lift was when I first saw her.

She mentioned that the Al Pacino scarface back in the 60's or whenever was a remake, then proceeded to ask her date: "Have you seen the original? Scarface 1932, man"

It was a weird scene. I could almost hear the penis of her date shrink back in. There was absolute silence in the elevator as I looked to her, then to her date, and then back to her again. I was struck by how pretty she actually was.

So it was, for a month or so. I gave the incident no thought. It was a Friday night, and I was out drinking alone for reasons not important to this tale, but there I was, sitting at the bar, pint of beer in my hand, listening to the horrible band performing live. They were butchering some of my favourite songs.

I really don't remember why I stayed on, but I did, and I saw a colleague of mine.

Temporarily stunned, I joined them at the table at the back, there were about three guys and a girl.

We talked, and drank. It was a fun night, until the girl mentioned that Scarface Al Pacino was a remake.

Okay, I told myself. That was weird. Haven't I heard something like that before somewhere?

So I jogged my memory, and proceeded to tell them how I heard that exact same conversation in a lift, somewhere before. How could it have been her? but it was. And that's how I met the girl in the lift.

A curious alignment of fate. She got my number, because apparently we both loved film, and she wanted me to explain what 2001 a space odyssey meant. I still thought nothing of this. After all, when she took down my number she was rather tipsy. I never thought she would call.

A week later, she called. Some arbritary reasoning about checking my facebook.Then I called.

She said okay to a film on Friday. I allowed myself to get excited, but that was before she told me she would be bringing friends of the male persuasion.

....RIGHT.

Okay, we'll still see how this goes right?

RIGHT?

It went well actually.

And everything after that went well.

...

I begun hanging out with her, she was definitely a nice person to be around. We were always on the same wavelength. It's been a while since I felt that connection with anyone, let alone a girl way beyond my league, and age range.

One day, I decided enough was enough of this shit.

I can't continue hanging out with her and still stay friends. Way too painful, and so not my style.

I don't know when, but I had fallen for her hard, fast and way too deep.

Then one night I asked her out. Nothing fancy, just drinks at the nearby mamak.

I kissed her.
She was shocked. I think she almost slapped me, but she didn't.

I told her how I felt. I don't think she gave me a response just yet.

Then she needed to use the toilet. She said the Toilet at the mamak was filthy, so I brought her up to the toilet at home.

We sat on the couch.
I leaned over to kiss her.
She gently pushed me away.
I kept on going.

Then she kissed back.
She said I tasted better than she expected.
I thanked her, and kissed her deeper.

.......

She said she doesn't know where this would go.
I said I didn't care.

Time flew. Time always flies when I'm with her.

Night became morning, and it was time to send her back.

I'll never forget the touch of her lips.

.........

A month later, she tells me we should stop doing this.

Said she never saw a future.

I asked her what was I to her.

The furthest she could go was "someone I like very much"

I don't know where it would have gone, but now that I look back, there could only be one ending to this whole thing, given her predisposition.

My heart being crushed.

.....

I'll never forget the girl in the lift, no matter how soon she left.

She was kind, but it didn't stop the hurt.

.....

It ended before it started, maybe I was a fool to let it go this far, but I don't regret a single minute of it.

The tears and pain remind me I'm still human.

And that this will pass.

Somehow.

*raises hand* Teacher, I got a question.

How would you define creativity?

Anything, everything, nothing.

It's dIfferent things to different people, disciplines, and businesses.

Something completely new? Different but same? same same but different?

It seems at least, for every discipline there is a creativity checkbox. They almost always vary.

Does everyone have it? Or only a select few? Who decides what is "creative"? Why are they to be trusted?

One little word to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.

One little concept at the centre of every human achievement. EVER.

Why be creative?

..
..
..

Why not?

WeLovecolours probably won't publish this, but Damned if I wont.

Day 5 London. not long now.

Met up with friends, watched Astro Boy, and came away disappointed. That's day 6. I watched Up in the air yesterday, and I'm going to do a write up on that. That will come soon.

As of right now, I'm 23 hours away from my plane taking off, bringing me back to Malaysia. Effective closing the book on the Europe chapter of my life. As the hour inches closer I find myself missing this life more and more. Not necessary because of the job situation, because lord knows getting an advertising job in London is tougher than nails, but because of all the reasons I've spoken out before. I don't have new reasons to miss this, just that the feeling is intensifying. I'm going to pick up lyn at the airport tomorrow, and then maybe have a late lunch(again) and by 9 o clock I'll probably be at the airport, reading. Whiling away the 2 hours have before boarding commences. From there it's a 12 hour non-stop flight to KLIA. Then, depending on how lucky I am, I either take the flight that night back to kuantan, or spend a night at KLIA and hop on the first flight in the morning.

I am not particularly looking forward to this. I still have to pack, sort out the luggage situation, and get some sleep. These past few days I've been sleeping 6 hours a day at most, sometimes 5. I can feel it taking its' toll. But nevertheless, this will probably be my last blog post from a connection faster than snail speed for quite some time. I'm determined to make something out of it, even if I'm basically working from nothing.

The chill-out room is basically empty now, at twenty past midnight. I'm closing up shop as soon as my clothes are done drying. I don't think I'll be able to a post on Final Day, so I take this opportunity to say goodbye, to whoever, and wherever that deserved it. It's a list too long to be filled out, but if you think that you are probably on that list, you are.

With that, I bid thee farewell.

Until Malaysia.