I'm ok.

This is rather silly really.

I'm here, in my room. the block on my macbook says it's 8:26 am. But really it's 12.26am. I've become accustomed to reading local (birmingham) time using Malaysian time... that's cos I have the need to constantly know what time it is in Malaysia. That I know what time it is when my girlfriend is calling me.

I'm listening to some sappy acoustic love pop song streamed from wilson santoro I mean Santoso's blog. It's strangely fitting in accordance to how I'm feeling right now. A little sad, disappointed in myself, and a little depressed.

As I said, it's been a bumpy ride so far, and the beating, I took from my brutally honest half chinese lecturer certainly isn't doing much to help. I almost cried in the afternoon, and technically I did. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, I desperately try to wipe them off as I made my merry way to the bus stop. I continued to be drenched in my own pitiful sorrow for the remainder of the journey home.

The glass door in front my flat showed me my own teary, watery eyes. I made my way into my room, and though I technically didn't cry, because I swallowed all the tears with even more sappy John Mayer songs.

I've been disappointed in myself because someone else was. Apparently it was quite a big disappointment for the guy, I could tell. He must've expected too much from me, or what he expected I failed to do. Or something. I don't know. Not anymore. Something like this happened on the 2nd week of class as well. I told myself the only way to stop this was to do work and not disappoint anyone next week. And yet I fail.

I'm emo. In case you haven't noticed.

I've got some ways to combat emoism. plans will be carried out this week. I've taken worse beatings than this. I doubt what I got today was worse than what Michelle gave me on the Trans-ormers presentation day. Or Janet's classic " Now that is bullshit presentation!"

My faults seem to be that I can't come up with arguments while being slammed at. Now that is a skill I would kill to have. Thoughts and ideas come later, and I strengthen myself with them.

I think I'm ok now.

least I'm not swallowing tears no more. :

Find my voice back. And slam back.... disagree or something. grow a backbone.

no comics for the time being. it's much too much of a hassle for me to post them, plus I got no time to do them anyway...

but I think I'll be posting ideas here....

anyone reading feel free to please give constructive feedback. :]
thank you.

expensive.

so it's been 1 month i've been here.

What can i say about it?

besides that its cold?

I'm having a pretty hard time adjusting to the schooling system here. Something I think is quite common for anyone who is going abroad alone. But friends are made, and they are made fast. So although it's been quite a bumpy ride, I think I will do ok :).

I mean, already I've offended more people than I should have.... so that's a start isn' it?
school's kept me up recently..... I'm experiecing a lack of resources in terms of journal producing facilities and tools. And it's frustrating.

I'm also regretting not bringing any a3 sketchbooks over here.... I'll be damned before I pay rm50 for 1. I'm sticking to a4 tq :P

As expected, everything here costs more... but that's not to sya that things here are more expensive.

NO NO NO NO NO.

They just don't sell the cheap stuff here.

looking for a 20p glue? out of luck... the one that they have is the uber £1.37 one.

looking for cheap blade or cutter? no way man.... here we do the £3.35 one... the super high tech won't break blade that resembles a scapel.

so things here aren't necessary 'expensive' persay....

there just no cheap things.

damnit.... but still....

£9 for a fucking A3 sketchbook.

go to hell la.....

I'm seriously thinking about going into the importing exporting art materials business.

I can't.

This sucks.

I can't check my mail.

Can't blog.

Can't log in to msn.

Can't do shit.

Why do I pay so much for the internet??

sigh.

I can't even check or post comments on a blog.

sigh.

night of the fourth

It's my last night here in Malaysia before I take off to UK to further my studies.

I feel.. relaxed somehow.... the trepidation, the anxiety, and the fear have all gone, it's like I'm in a state of constant peace, save for the bouncing msn messenger icon down at the dock, distracting me, and preventing me from concentrating fully on this post.

The critters have come out, ran around, and now master has reeled them back in, to be cooped up in pens and within fences, the borders of my conscious mind. Or perhaps they've just lost that spunk of theirs, I'll have to ask them what they do for stimulation later.

I'm standing now on the edge of the precipice of change, ready to take the plunge, or the flight, into where no jingwei has gone before. I believe I'm prepared, for the unknown, for the future, and for change.

I remember a few weeks back, when I was still in 95%, I came back for the weekend. Part of it was because I promised my girlfriend that I would be back, since she had a 4 day break.

I remember lying on the bed together, she was on my chest, as tears squeezed out of my eyes, and I turned over and hugged her. It lasted forever in my mind, me, thinking about how much I would miss her. She hugged me back in return, and I spent a good 10 - 15 minutes sobbing in her arms.

I don't feel that way anymore, though I know that I will miss her still, but now it seems I've numbed myself out, I think. I can tell myself I miss her without crying anymore.

On the edge of the end, I ponder no more.

This is it.

Now or never.

But as I end this post, editing some of the things that I wrote and cutting out others, never to be seen by anyone, emotions seem to want out of their confines. Slowly fear grips me, the anxiety comes back, and I wonder how the hell am I suppose to sleep now? It's already 2 in the morning. To my left, a gift she bought me, a journal, on the cover is the line " a piece of remember". Soft and tender it would sound if spoken out aloud. The flawed grammar contributes to it's charm. I click on the publish button, hoping that the people who read this will think that I'm at least being honest with my feelings. And I go to sleep, with the help of a harry potter book and dimmed lights.

Last post until I settle down in a new place of residence. New comic coming soon.

The Coffeeshop expedition

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page 2


page 3

Change. The only constant.(TM p.gan)

I've been meaning to fix up the template for ages already. It looked awful in my opinion. Ay least now it isn't such an eyesore I guess. Or it could be worse. But i like this one, and the blog needed a facelift anyway. so here we are.

Just been back from a 4day trip to kelantan. You could say I was in a minor culture shock fir the time that I was there. I wanted to blog about it, but I had bigger things in mind. I wrote up a script for a 3 page comic while I was there. I thought of posting up what I wrote here, but decided against it. It is after all, an instrument to dispel the magic of the final 3 pages that(I hope) will be finished by the end of the week. The first page's draft and layout sketch is mostly done... don't think I'll post again till I have the full thing.

SO there we go. A little hiatus... but for a good reason. I hope what I come up with at the end of the week is worthy of my expectations. hehe.

jw out.

17/6/06

Practicality needs to be much, much more prevalent in our lives.

macbook pro.

feels weird. blogging on a mac. I have to say, 1st time owning a mac, it feels pretty darn slick, alot better than what i initially expected it to be.

as i was driving home from kl today, i thought about what to blog about, upon realizing that i really had quite some things to say, but are all unrelated and disjointed, i decided that i would draw up a few stupid pictures, accompany them with some horrible handwriting, and post them up here.

damn this is fun.

so there kat, new comic like you wanted.:P

Graduating

Should I feel proud? Should I be prideful? Yesterday I was the last one to be called up to receive the certificate for completion of training. Janet said she would save the best for last. I went up, I never did knew how to handle this sort of situation. When Janet asked for acknowledgment only CJ stood up, considering everyone else got at least 2, I think it was fair for me to be a little paranoid.

Then Peter came around, I talked to him and he told me I aced it. Apparently being called in last means you got the best grades or got the best marks or comments or something. I don't know. I honestly want to believe that everybody's takeout form this training was different. Everybody's experiences are unique, but being bestowed upon an honor like that... made me feel proud.

Sometimes I don't know how to keep little critters down and steady. They just jump up. Like they infiltrated the outside world without me knowing or some thing or other. Guess I couldn't hide it too well.

Wrote something yesterday morning before graduation.... wanted to post it up but the internet connection failed. Lost that post forever... I think it was something about anticipation or something. Didn't think it was that important. The post that never was. GJ tmnet.

Also, yesterday night I realized how utterly immature and childish and .... what's the word? ....... ahh.... Un-sensitive some of my words and actions were. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Peter... I know that if he doesn't read this all will be in vain... but I'm too chicken I guess to say it out loud or proclaim it like a doomsday naysayer on the street. But I apologize for anything that I might have said yesterday that offended you, in any way possible.... because I can't help but feeling that I did, as I was lying on my bed looking sideways to the walls and thinking back on the night.

I think I'll copy and paste this to your blog... Just in case you don't see this.

But I'm Sorry.

eyes and pieces.

Thinking back now, I find emotions to be weird things. It's like there's a these little gremlins and squishy things that live inside of us, and most of the time we want to keep them down, keep them hidden, because more often than not letting these little buggers come out will compromise a lot of things that we try to do.

But pressure builds up and eventually they'll have to come out.

My little critters pushed themselves to come out a few days ago.

They came. hard.

and I suppose I was knocked off my feet.

I couldn't speak, couldn't move, all I did was sit there, fluids flowing out of my nose and eyes. Making sounds I haven't made for a long time. Inside me, the earth shook and typhoons blew as the mountains i built with uneven stones came crashing down, destroying everything in it's wake, paving the land for a better, fresher, plan for not just mountains, but ...... well it's banjaran in malay, i'll need a few minutes to find out what the word is in english.( All I found was mountain range, I'm sure there's a better word for it, wish someone would let me know :P) But basically it's alot and alot of hills and valleys and mountains and peaks and maybe even slip in a grand canyon or two.


I feel a little better now, thanks to that. I'm just now picking up the first pieces of what I believe will be a construction of magnificent proportions.

It's amazing how powerful these things can be.